


If You Love Me, Let Me Go

by jlmintrash



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Hurt, M/M, Mavin, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-01
Updated: 2014-03-01
Packaged: 2018-01-14 05:02:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1253842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jlmintrash/pseuds/jlmintrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I left because I destroy everything. I’m a grenade. One day I’m not going to be able to take it anymore and I’m going to explode, and I didn't want Gavin to be caught in the crossfire of my explosion. If I left before it could happen, he would forget about me, move on, and not worry when I explode. I can’t destroy what isn’t there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If You Love Me, Let Me Go

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Snuff by Slipknot.
> 
> I based it more on what I believe the song is about, rather than the actual lyrics like I did with the Hebron fanfcition.

“I guess I’ve never been truly happy. I guess ever since I started high school I’ve been a depressed mess. I-I tried to kill myself…twice. I’m even a failure at dying, Jesus, I-I just felt so alone. I felt worthless, and stupid, and it felt like no one ever wanted me, or even thought twice about me.” I mumble to him, picking at my shoelaces. He nods his head slowly at me, looking at the ground just to bring his head back up and look at me.

“Bury all your secrets in my skin. I’ll give you my innocence; you give me your sins. You know I love you, Michael” He says back to me, as he tries his hardest to hold back tears. I smile into my lap but look back up. This can’t happen; I’m just an anchor weighing him down. I’ve taken away all his positivity and left him with my rage and sadness.

“It’s too late to save me; nothing you can do can help. It’s fate for me to be alone; I only cause pain for myself and everyone around me. I-I’m sorry. Goddammit….don’t give me false hope by making me fall anymore in love with you. Goodbye Gavin.” I say to him, tears falling down my cheeks. I stand up and give him a weak smile before exiting his apartment and walking away. As I walk down the street my tears continue falling. I manage to make my way to my own apartment, the deserted one that I still paid rent for, even though I never stayed there.

-

The next day I wake up to my phone beeping and vibrating next to me. I open it to see 10 missed calls from Gavin accompanied by 26 text messages. I read the texts, my eyes filling with whatever liquid was left in my body.

_“Michael come back please”_

_“You didn’t do anything, I promise”_

_“Michael I still love you”_

_“Please don’t do anything you’ll regret”_

_“Answer me”_

_“Where are you?_

_” “Michael…”_

My tears drop on the phone in front of me as I slowly type back an eight word message that will ruin whatever connections we have.

_“If you love me, let me go”_

My hand shakes as I tap send, the message turning green saying it was sent. Sobs fill my body, I drop my phone and collapse back into the bed, stuffing my face into the already tear soaked pillow.

-

He doesn’t understand, I love him with all my heart, but he doesn’t know where I’m coming from. I decided two days ago to throw away my phone, rip his page out of my contacts, and get a new phone number. It sounds drastic but he won’t give up, he’s determined, but he needs to let me go. He needs to understand everything will be so much better for him if he just forgets about me.

My heart is like a blob of depression. It’s dark and solid and there is no real end to it. There is no hope in it, there is no warmth and it’s too dark to care.

Gavin’s heart was like a glimmer of hope. It’s bright, big, and projects everything and anything a person needs. It is made of hope, love, care, and attachment He doesn’t understand anything of what happened. Someone with a heart as magnificent as his needs to share it with someone who will project the same love, hope and care back to him. Someone that isn’t me.

I left because I destroy everything. I’m a grenade. One day I’m not going to be able to take it anymore and I’m going to explode, and I didn't want Gavin to be caught in the crossfire of my explosion. If I left before it could happen, he would forget about me, move on, and not worry when I explode. I can’t destroy what isn't there.

I became isolated. Never leaving the house, only making subtle social contact when I go to the store. Gavin was my only love, my true love, and the love I have to leave behind. He was always so joyful and happy and I’ve always been sad and hateful. If I’m alone I cannot hate, and he doesn't understand that. I never deserved to have him. He was something special, someone you would rarely find. He has a certain aspect to him that can make anyone feel good; it worked on me; but not in reality. My smile was taken long ago, long before I met him…long before I fell in love. And it’s too late to go crying back to him now. It’s been a month. I ruined any chance of the relationship ever working again, and if I can change into someone he deserves or someone he can love, well I hope I never know.

-

I'm sat at my desk staring at a paper covered table. All of them are letters, all past letters from him. From all the times he went to England for the summer and sent me letters every week. All the times he would send a letter even though he lived ten minutes away, just because he knows I like getting mail.

I still press them to my lips. Taking in the rustic scent and memories encased in each piece of paper. I can smell him on each word, and read through them with his stupid accent echoing in my mind. I remember all our good memories, all the bad ones, all the ones that brought us closer together. I remember meeting his parents, and how bubbly and excited he was. I remember when he asked if I wanted to sleep over at his apartment for the first time, and how we stayed up until five in the morning playing X-Box and cuddling on the couch.

I knew it wasn't going to be easy, leaving it all behind. But I didn't think it would still tear me apart two months later. I never realised I can’t face a life without his light. I never realised that his happiness was the only thing that kept my black heart pumping. But I can feel my heart deteriorate slowly, ripping apart and slowly killing me now that he’s gone.

-

Three months after it happened and I get a phone call. For some reason I pick up, for some reason I didn't bother to check the number. For some reason the phone call makes my heart stop.

“Michael, oh Michael” the voice says as the call gets connected. My breath stops and tears rim my already red eyes. “Michael listen to me, Pl-” I cut him off. “No.” I choke out. I hear him take a sharp intake of breath over the line.

“Save your breath. I thought I made it very clear. I’m too fucked for even you to fix. I have too much hate for you to love. I’m sorry, goodbye again.” Right before I end the call I hear muffled sobs on the other end and the small whimpering of my name. I shut of my phone and throw it across the room, rage filling every vein in my body.

I wish I never met him, I wish he never became my friend, let alone my boyfriend; and then I couldn’t hurt him in the end. I never claimed to be a saint. It took the death of hope to finally let him go. He stopped contacting me, thank god. Every time he called my soul would break a little more, and I would die a little slower. I’m like a jagged rock and he was going to eventually break himself trying to get through to me. He can pity me all he wants, but it’s no difference to me; he’s just making it harder for himself. He finally gave up trying to save me, like I wanted him to so long ago. I never want to hear his reasons why, they don’t matter. He left just like everyone else so what was the point of hearing them?

Hope keeps trying to make its way into my brain, telling me there is a chance for me, to help me and save me; and to get Gavin back. But it’s just ultimately manipulation that messes with my head. This always happens to me, and I give hope one last warning to stay away. As long as hope isn’t there I can die faster and get this painful life over with. I’m too much of a coward to kill myself. Even if Gavin still really loves me, it will only cause me more pain. As long as I believe Gavin hates me and has gotten over me I will be fine. But there is always a nagging in the back of my head, telling me he still loves me and I need to find him. Every time I feel it I toss it away and try my hardest to make sure it doesn’t return. But it always finds a way in, no matter how hard I try.

So just stay away, I don’t want to have hope again just so it can die.


End file.
